The first two weeks of doing NeurOptimal neurofeedback twice a day were subtle but powerful, as I described in my first blog post:
Neurofeedback Intensive in the Time of Covid-19 — The First Two Weeks
After the second two weeks….
I notice a different kind of clarity to my thinking. Without the “noise” — which in my case is a combination of relentless second-guessing, anxious self-consciousness, vague guilt, anticipation of criticism, general overwhelm, fear, and other unidentified psychic swamp ingredients — the actual process of my thinking feels clearer. It’s amazing how much bandwidth and energy all that other stuff took up.
The result of the better “clarity of thinking” is the emotional experience of deeper calmness.
Without the distracting noise, I have more of my mind available to me. I can go deeper than I used to be able to go. I have more of my overall consciousness available to me, without all that other stuff crowding it out and creating resistance and distraction.
I had an interesting “aha” experience this morning, when I got insight into an issue at a deeper level than I had been able to get to before. It sort of chunked down into my body as a confirmed “felt sense,” instead of floating around in the ethers as a more uncertain intellectual concept, which is where it had lived until now. It’s like a whole other level of the universe suddenly opened up.
My dreams are richer and more vivid. I’m sleeping better — it’s easier to get back to sleep when I wake up during the night.
It’s also just easier to get things done. Instead of that mind noise complaining and resisting doing the simplest things, I just do them, and then feel good about having done them. Double win!
One of the things I noticed after having done the twice-a-day sessions a few years ago was how my tennis game effortlessly improved — without the yammering in my head, my muscle memory could just do what it had practiced doing. It happened again this time as well.
As the days have gone on, other benefits continue to emerge. The biggest one is feeling addictive urges go way down. I’ve long held the belief that “if a little is good, more is better.” Plus, I’m very routine-driven. So if I do something and I judge it “good,” then I will feel compelled to do it again and again. Have to. After this 30-day regimen, I don’t feel that way anymore. I can easily say, “That’s enough,” or “I don’t actually want that.” I throw this in at the end, but it’s pretty huge, as all of you who relate to this can imagine. There is finally space in there, to actually consider what I want. For true response, not just reaction. I’ll explore this more in another post.
Overall…
The sheltering-in-place has enabled me, like others, to think about what is most important to me. Not being able to do the things I habitually did to keep myself busy and distracted has made me whittle down my activities to the essentials. The neurofeedback sessions — facilitating clearer thinking and calming down my whole system — help me get through the anxiety, even panic, of not having those usual activities to distract me. I now can think and feel my way through to how I want to recreate my life when life gradually “normalizes,” whatever that will mean.
I’m still feeling everything — still feeling sad and scared and uncertain — but I can once again find that other place inside that believes and finds comfort in knowing that somehow things will work out. I’m okay. Right now, right at this moment, I’m okay. I can also say this and feel this from my awareness of my immense privilege — I have a house and food and my health. Before, the awareness of that privilege helped me feel grateful, but it didn’t make my anxiety go away — I just felt guilty for feeling it. But now, I can feel it in my body. I’m okay. And grateful.
I’m so glad I did this. It’s a pretty good time commitment, and having a system at home is very helpful. But if you need a “reboot,” this is a great, gentle, and powerful way to do it. As I called the 30 day regimen in my first adventure with it, it’s a great way to “get unstuck with gentle dynamite.”